TAH BEST DEATH NOTE CRACK FIC IN TAH WURLD
by Maxie the Meerkat
Summary: Matsuda is secretly in love with Mogi! Mogi does not enjoy the sexy-yaoi time of fan service from Light and L! L F**KING LOVES HIS CAKE. Soichiro admits that Mogi is the son he's always actually wanted. And Aizawa admits to an affair with... Watari? Read if you dare. Sadly enough, will be continued. T for cursing and sexeh themes. LIGHT BASHING!
1. Chapter 1

"OMFG I FUCKING LOVE CAKE!" L screamed, shoveling a handful of cake into his mouth with his bare hands, Watari stepping away awkwardly. L glared up at him. "WHAT, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?" he snapped with his mouth full. A chunk of icing and spit flew out and hit Watari on the cheek. Watari wiped it away with no response.

"Um, L? You've been eating a lot of cake lately. Maybe you should stop an-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, KIRA!" L grabbed a handful of cake, throwing at it at Light's head- and hitting him spot on in his bangs. Light gasped and frantically flailed his arms.

"OHMIGOD, L! L! MY HAIR, YOU RUINED MY KIRA DAMN HAIRRRR!"

"YOU DIDN'T DENY BEING KIRA!"

Of course, he got no response, seeing as Light had ran off crying to fix his hair. Matsuda stared at L, eyes wide, his jaw dropped to the floor and his head cocked to the side. L turned his head slowly. "I'm going to kill you."

Matsuda let out a girlish screech and and ran out, calling behind him, "TELL MOGI THAT I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT WE COULD HAVE AMAZING SEXY TIME TOGETHERRRR!"

Mogi blinked, slowly drawing his gun to his head. Soichiro smacked it away. "I WISH YOU WERE MY SON, MOGI!"

Light had dashed into the room, giggling, and stopped dead hearing that. He choked back a sob. "Daddy?"

"WHEN YOUR MOTHER WAS PREGNANT WITH YOU, I FIRST TOLD EVERYBODY SHE WAS JUST REALLY FAT AND SHE HAD A TUMOR!"

"YOUR KIRA PERCENTAGE IS RAISED TO OVER 9000!"

Light burst into uncontrollable tears, his mascara running down his cheeks. "But... but... I'M SO SEXY!"

Aizawa poked him with his foot. "Pft. Watari is sexier than you. LIEK, SRSLY!11!1!"" He licked his lips and winked at the elderly man sitting in the corner. "Yeah, babe. You know it." Watari giggled, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, you..."

Mogi gasped, eyes narrowing. "Uh, excuh-uzeeee meeehhhh? LIGHT, YOU CAN'T HAVE BUTT SECKS WITH MY MAN!"

Light gazed up hazily from where he and L were having incedibly random fan-service yaoi secks. "LULULULULULULUZ, YAH I CAN CUZ WE'RE THE NUMBER ONE DEATH NOTE PAIRING!" he explained in a totally 'duhr' voice.

L nodded, looking up seriously from where he was giving Light a hickey on his neck. "It's true. But wait. What the hell is a Death Note?" Light shrugged, averting his gaze and frowning.

"How does my dad not notice this?" he sniffled, his eyes threatening to spill over with tears. His question was quickly answered as he and the other Task Force members stared over at Soichiro. Soichio shrugged.

"I seiously just knew Light was gay. He spends more time in the bathroom than Sayu." Light scofed.

"BEAUTY TAKES TIME, OLD MAN!"

**A/N: ...I'm sorry. Sadly enough, I will continue this.**


	2. Chapter 2

"Liiiiiiiiight..." A high-pitched whine sounded through the young-man's eardrums. "Liiiiiiighttttt..." Light groaned and slammed his head against the death, his eyes narrowed. This was starting to get on his nerves. A lot. "LIIIIIGHTTTT. LIGHT LIGHT LIGHT LIGHT LIGHT LIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTTTT."

Light slammed his hands on the desk, shaking it greatly. "WHAT, MATSUDA?"

"LET'S GO TO THE PARK!"

Light's eyes brightened and he shot up, his move totally changing because the author is on a sugar rush. "OMK YAY I FUCKING LOVE THE PARK!" he screamed. He and Matsuda made a slow-motioned high five. Matsuda giggled.

Together, they skipped hand-in-hand to L's desk. Light grinned at Matsuda, nodding and mouthing "One, two, three..." And then...

"RYUZAKIRYUZAKIRYUZAKI!"

Ryuzaki woke up from a cake-induced-nap, shooting up. "Uh-wahwhut?" he cried, flailing his arms blindly about. Light smiled dumbly and looked up at him with puppy-eyes and an-overly naive expression.

"LET'S GO TO THE PARK!" Matsuda shouting, shoving his face into L's, completely breaking any last personal space he had.

L shrugged, considering it thoughtfully. "Hmm, only if I can use Mogi as a pony... I've always wanted a pony." He threw his arms up, shouting loudly, "BUT WATARI SAYS I CAN'T HAVE ONE IF I DON'T EAT MY FUCKING VEGETABLES!"

Watari's 'W' appeared on the screen. "SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT THAT! YOU EAT SWEET FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DINNER, YOU BRAT! YOU AREN'T GETTING A PONY!"

L burst into uncontrollable tears. "I thought you loved me!" he sobbed, flailing his arms hysteically. "..." There was a sigh, and the 'W' fell off of the screen.

Matsuda giggled again, before skipping of. He appeared back minutes later, dragging Mogi in by his tie with a malicious look on his face, his eye twitching. Mogi was crying like a little girl whom had just scraped her knee, his body racking over with sobs. Matsuda clapped his hands. "I FOUND WALDO!"

L hopped onto his back, wrapping his arms around Mogi's neck. "HELLS YEAH!" he exclaimed, a gleeful expression on his face. "WHEEE! LET'S GO! LET'S GOOOOOOOOO!" Mogi, in response, neighed dutifully as dashed out the doors. Light and Matsuda giggled, grasping each other's hands and dashing out.

TIMESKIP: OMFG TEY ARE AT TAH PARKKKK NAO.

"MEH L STOP SCARING THE CHILDREEEEENNN."

"NUUUU!" L called back to Light as he, still piggyback on Mogi, poked a small little girl with a stick until she began to cry, when her mother escorted her away, not before calling L a 'pervert'.

L shouted after her, "SO WHAT IF I'M A PERVERT? YOU'RE... A... UGLY PERSON!"

Light and Matsuda, meanwhile, were swinging along on the swings. A boy tugged on Light's pantlegs. "Mister, can we have a turnnnn?"

Light kicked him off in annoyance. "LULULULULULUL FUUUUU NUUUU." Matsuda clapped his hands.

"OMJ YAYYY WE'RE ALL SAFE NAO!"

"YAAAYYY!" squeed Light.

"YAAAYYY!" squeed L.

"YAAAYYY!" squeed Mogi.

"YAAAYYY!" squeed Misa.

"OMFG NO YOU'RE A SLUT!" L shouted, bitch-slapping her. Misa burst into tears.

"LIGGGGGHHHHHTTTT, HELP MEEEEE!"

"Nah."

**A/N: I'm on a sugar rush. Yah.**


	3. Chapter 3

The Death Note cast, still in the park, talked cheerfully amongst themselves, Misa seemingly gone to nowhere.

"Thank God, Misa's not here, we don't want to catch Misa slut rabies-" The ever-cautious Soichiro was interrupted by a horribly high-pitched squeal.

"OMFG LIGHT I'M BORED. TAKE ME OUT ON A DATE AND STUFF CUZ I'M YOUR PRETTY MODEL GIRLFRIEND AND I HAVE A DOLL OF YOU! :)"

"You have a what of me?" Light muttered in disbelief. Actually, no that wasn't disbelief, BECAUSE MISA WAS HIS FUCKING CRAZY STALKER-HO.

But then all the sudden, Takada popped out of nowhere, shoving Misa into the pavement and breaking any boundaries of personal space. "OMFG NO! I LOVE YOU!"

L stared from his spot next to Light... Why didn't girls like him like that? He liked to be liked. And he so thought he was with Light! Why was he with all these slutbags when he had a human panda bear to snuggle? He glared slightly, nudging Light with his elbow and growling. "I swear to God, get rid of those trashy whores."

Light stared back, eyes wide. It was a rare occasion to see L mad. Usually, L was like a rabid cat, and foamed at the mouth when somebody touched his stuff. He blinked, before glaring back. "I AM NOT YOUR TERRITORY! YOU RABID CAT!"

L paused for a moment, he had seen a movie with this exact scene... a woman telling a man that she was not his personal territory... He cocked his head to the side, perhaps that would work! He then put on a tough face and spat on Light. "BITCH! YOU AIN'T GONNA BE ACTING LIKE THAT TO YO PIMP!" And with that, he backhanded Light against the face, leaving a read mark. Light whimpered before bursting into hysterical tears and running off, flailing his arms.

Matsuda laughed and pointed, falling off the bunch he sat on reading girly magazines. "OHMIGOD,s LIGHT IS, LIKE, SOOOO TOTALLY GIRLY! LULLLL!" Aizawa's afro cackled in agreement before bending over and eating a swallowing a child. The Task Force stared uneasily.

"Uh, he feeds on the blood of children," Aizawa explained, scratching the back of his neck before squeaking and withdrawing his thumb to his lips, sucking it gently. "HE BIT ME!"

"Oh..." The Task Force nodded, smiling, ignoring the screaming mother crying over the loss of her child.


	4. Chapter 4

"OMFG GUYYYYSSSS. WE SHOULD GO TO THE MALLLL AND STUFFF!" Light squealed like a little girl, clapping his hands together excitedly and fluttering suddenly long and thick eyelashes. "SOOOO, OHMIAGALLKDSJFLAKJSD, WE TOTALLLLYYY HAVE TO GO TO, LIKE, FOREVER 21, AND-"

"Like, Hot Topic, duhr..." L scoffed, flipping his hair. "I hear that it's, like, a playground for the rich or whatever. And I'm friggin' rich, and you know, I hear that it's a place where they accept guyliner. And we all like guyliner, right?" He was returned with a ten-minute awkward silence, before he glared at them all, "GUY LINER IS PEREFECTLY MANLY!"

Mogi broke the tension by giggling and clapping his hands together once and doing one of those annoying cheerleader-squeal-jumps. "YAY! LET'S GO TOOO THE MALLLLL!" He was rewared by much cheering.

And so, the Death Note cast, frolicking along, flocked to the mall, where they broke off in seperate groups. L, for one, dragged Light to Victoria's Secret. He liked the pictures of pretty ladies they had there, much to Light's jealously. Mogi and Matsuda, holding hands and keeping in dutiful time, dashed off to the Sephora, to get themeselves some makeup- Ryuzaki was all popular with the ladies, and if he wore male makeup, they thought that perhaps they would too.

Misa hopped on to Soichiro's back and squealed that they were going to follow her precious Light and that ugly troll-thing to Victoria's Secret- Soichiro shrugged, deciding, "Meh, what the hell," and following his son and his boss.

And anybody else that I forgot can go fuck themselves, because if they weren't good ienough for me to remember, they're probably too good for this chapter. }:C...

-LIGHT AND L-

L spun around, staring at all the delicate lace, and frill, lady-thingamabobs. "Dear God... Light, I don't think we're in Death Note anymore..." He blinked, reaching out to smack the cup of a pink lady-thingamabob, but was quickly swatted away by Light. "No, L... there are hats here!"

L looked to him, head tilted, but gasped in jealously as he noticed the wonderful, wonderful hate rested upon Light's head. It was... amazing.

"LIGHHHHT, IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME IT, I'M TELLING SOICHIRO! AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE DEATH PENALTY!"

"...For what?"

"For being a jerk! And stufffff..." L trailed off, sure, that wasn't a real reason, but... he was L, for God's sake! Nobody gave a damn why he did what he did, he just did as he pleased. Genius, don't question it, they said. Meanwhile, L had been murdering babies.

(L was one fucked-up guy, in case you didn't know. ._.)

Light frowned and tossed him another one, "Just take this." L dangled it in the air curiously, blinking before attempting to set it on his head- thin part on the top, big gaps on the sides, and that long thinger that resembled a waist-band crossing his nose... Got it. L grinned. "GOT IT!"

Light giggled. "OHMYKIRA, YAYYY!~"

-MISA AND SOICHIRO-

"ARE WE THERE YET?!"

"Misaaaa, we haven't started walking."

"MOVE, YOU OLD, WRINKLY COW!"

"HAH, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I GOT!"

"...What?"

-MATSUDA AND MOGI-

"OMFG... LOOK! LOOK AT THE SPARKLES!" Waving his arms frantically, Mogi motioned to the array of free-sample-eye-shadow littering the isle. Matsuda gasping, holding up a Barbie hot pink and shoving it into the face of his girlish coworker.

"MOGI, THIS TOTALLLLYYY SUITS YOU!"

Mogi gasped, grabbing the compact case, and inspecting it to his eye carefully. "Ah, mah, gawsh. This is soooo meeee."

AND THUS BEGAN THE WONDERFUL MALL ADVENTURE. :D


	5. Chapter 5

"Alright! Now, we need to, like, split up!" Light commanded, staring down L.

L tried to stare back, however, couldn't see incredibly well with the two lacy cups over his eyes, so instead he simply smiled, nodding. "KAY! So, what are we splitting up for?"

"I WANT EVERY DAMN HAT THEY HAVE IN THIS HAT-FEST, YO!"

L held up a handful, dropping them onto the floor in a mound, "Our bounty shall be there. And it shall totally stay there. Like, seriously." Light nodded in agreement, clasping his hands together.

"Sounds good," the brunette agreed, even though the author after finishing the series seriously thought he was a redhead, and when everyone called him a brunette, you can guess she was pretty damn confused. "Now, I'll get the eye holders," he directed, waving around a leopard bra as if it were a flag. L nodded.

"And I get the hats. Okay. See you in ten?"

"See you in ten."

And off ran L into the pantymabobs isle, breathing in heavily. "All right. Let's do this!" Going into stealth mode, the twenty-something-year-old dashed through the isles, grabbing thongs and panties of every shape, pattern, lace and size, tripping over his own feet several times and dropping a trail behind him as he threw them into the ever-growing pile in several isles over.

Eyes narrow, the worker, in her mid-thirties, a blonde bombshell, followed the young man, grumbling as the clicks of her heels stopped every so often to pick up another term in the trail of undergarments.

She stopped suddenly, gasping and clutching at her heart, beholding the sight in front of her. It was beautiful. Incredibly demented, incredibly disgusting, but beautiful. Before her eyes stretched out a massive height of underpants, reaching nearly the ceiling. How the hell did he even get that much?!, she screamed inside of her head, for they didn't even have that much including everything in the back.

Eyes wide, and knees like jelly, she stepped forward, bowing before the king of the panties, the magnificent L Lawliet. He simply smirked back at her, placing a foot on her back and laughing in a very Kira-ish manner. "YES, MERE MORTAL, BOW DOWN TO I, KING OF THE PANTIES!" Light gasped from across the room.

"But... but maniacal laughter is my thing..." he whispered, taking obvious offense. "Wha..." He glanced at his own pile of bras, just as tall and massive as L's. "This... means... WARRRRR!"


	6. Chapter 6

"...War? I do say, my good sir, you and your ladythingamabras are not well suit enough to fight my... hah, wonderfully fanciful hats." L leaned forward, a cane, top hat, monocle, and rather spontaneous mustache decorating the detective's lanky body, a grin spreading like butter across his cheeks. Light stepped forwards, eyes narrow and a smirk on his face as he, dressed up like Ash Ketchum, threw a fist into the air and cheered in a suddenly-high pitched voice.

"YEAH! WE CAN DO IT, BRAS!" Light cried, the woman, scurrying to her feet, torn between which 'incredibly powerful' side to root for. Bras or panties, the ultimate question of versus... She winced, sinking down slightly to her knees and throwing her arms up, crying out.

"WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST LIVE IN A WORLD WITH PEACE?!"

L spared her a glance, eyebrows arched. "Ugh... because the author of this story needs a new climax, duh. And she likes saying panties an inappropriate amount of times, so." He shrugged, pointing his cane at Light. "BITCH, PLEASE! I'M L-FUCKING-LAWLIET! BITCHES LOVE ME!"

Light scoffed. "But because of my appeal to both readers and girls who know nothing about the series but love Zac Efron, I still triumph over you. And your Watari."

"Son of a bitch! You just made a... a your Watari joke?!" He gasped, flailing his arms about, the cane clattering to the ground, "AHHHAHHHAHHH, MAH GAWD. MAKIN' HISTORY HERE!" Light stared at him awkwardly.

"So... anyway. How are we gonna do this?"

"I was thinking that we could do it slow motion, you know, for dramatic effect. So... no pushing, shoving, hitting, kicking, elbowing, kneeing, breathing, standing, sitting, staring, blinking, seeing, hearing, tasting-" L went into a twenty-nine hour speech about rules, Light jotting notes down on a clipboard and making subtle "Uh-huhhhs," thus encouraging the dark-haired-fancy-pants into his speech.

"-and absolutely no puppy-molesting."

"And what about kitty-molesting?"

"You sick, sick, son of a bitch..."

And so, running forwards in slow motion, they, faces turning blue without breath, they dashed forwards, lightly tapping each other on the shoulder. Light, astoundingly hurt as his cheek was lightly smacked, fell backwards into his mound of booby-cups, screaming hysterically as he was dragged off by pedobear, mistaking him for a six-year-old girl.

L grinned, flipping him off as he was dragged into the mammoth pile, arching a light, almost-nonexistent eyebrow. "And this is why the bitches love Lawlipop."


	7. Chapter 7

Light wheezed, scrambling to pull himself upwards from the mammoth mound of boobie cups, glaring at his rival. "You... You bastard!" he shouted, eyes narrow. "I'm Light! I'm Light Yagami! You can't say anything bad about me, you asswipe! At least I am totally not carted around by some old smelly pervert who innapropriately touched me while I slept!"

L stared at him blankly, void of all emotion minus the ghost of a prideful smirk phasing his lips. "I'm sorry, what was that, Monsieur Jelly? And Watari never innapropriately touched me. He just innapropriately stared. For a genius, you really must get your facts straight."

"Pft! You're just about as straight as a fucking circle."

L paused, pondering how to retort to his rather rude comrade and or bitch before blinking- yes. L blinks. He is still slightly human.

"Well, your Soichiro is so old that he was a waiter at the last supper. And might I add, not a very attractive one, either."

Light glared, "Son of a Kira-"

"Even Misa would never mate with you to give you a son."

"..." Light thought it over carefully. "Yeah, well, your Watari is so old that he has Jesus in his yearbook." Light smirked triumphantly, arching an eyebrow.

L grimaced, his grinding teeth clenching as Light smirked down. His face lit up. It was pretty creepy on L though...

"Your Soichiro is so old he was the original star of the "Land Before Time Movie."

"Your Watari is so old that he knew the Burger King when he was a prince."

"Your Soichiro is so old that his birth certificate is expired."

"And your Watari existed before birth certificates existed!"

L raised his keg, shooting out a kick to the face.

"What the hell was that for?!"

"I felt like it."

"DICK!"

"Your Soichiro is so old, his birth certificate is in Roman Numerals."

"WELL SCREW YOU TOO!" At the mouth of the room, stood Soichiro with Misa, glaring daggers at L. Except for Misa, who was drooling puddles and staring longingly at Light, who was hiding behind L in terror. L stared before throwing a bra at Soichiro's face. Soichiro seemingly calmed down, coughing into his sleeve while stuffing it into his pants,

"Mhm, well, perhaps we should must forget this incident ever happened."


	8. Chapter 8

And in Sephora:

"Oh, GOSH! I JUST LOVEEE THEIR FALL SHADES," Matsuda cooed as he buried his face into the isle, a cutip in hand. He swabbed a glop of sparkly orange shadow onto his eye, glancing over to Mogi, who was slathering on a pound of cherry-red lipstick.

"MHAMMM..." Mogi slurred back, opening his lips in a goofy grin. Worst part was, he had grandma teeth- when there's lipstick slathered on the teeth as well. Matsuda giggled back blissfully, clapping his hands in excitement.

"OHKAY, LIKE, WE SHOULD DO AN EXTREME MAKEOVER WHEN WE GET HOME!"

Mogi squealed in delight at the idea, nodding. "Okay! OH! But who should we- oh. MY KIRA. L! We have totaaalllly got to makeover L! Think about it!" Matsuda blinked. Because of his mental disabilities when it came to thinking and using his brain, he had a bit of trouble with these things.

Mogi sighed in irritation. "We get L into a room. And then we use what we buy here to-"

"SANDWICH!"

"...No, not sandwich. We make L look pretttyyy." He said this slowly to make sure that Matsuda understood. Mastui nodded slowly.

"LIKE, KAY."

"...Alrighty! LET'S GET WHAT WE WANT!" Matsuda giggled, shoving handfuls of random shades of lipsticks, foundations, eyeshadows, blushes, etc. into Mogi's arms before throwing it all on the checkout counter. The woman at the counter eyed them carefully.

"All of this?"

"YEAH!"

"Ohh...kay..." She began to ring their random diversity of selectives up, eying each item carefully. "Um, if you don't mind, may I ask why you're going to... get all of this?" She looked slightly uncomfortable at asking, however, the expression was not mutual for the two grown men.

"OH! WE'RE GOING TO MAKEOVER, LIKE, L!"

"...L... as in that detective guy?" She leaned forwards, intrigued.

Mogi giggled, shoving an also cackling Matsuda lightly. "SHUUTTT UPPPP, YOU ASS! She's not supposed to knoooowww! SH-SHHHHUHHH-SHUHHHHH-SH-SH-SHHHH..."

Matsuda cackled hysterically, flailing his arms, "You know, he's so freaking ugggly in person, we're totally gonna make him, like, super-sexyyy..." he whispered, leaning in and breaking any boundaries of personal space. The cashier snapped back. Where was pepper spray when one needed it?!

"O-oh?"

"Yeahhh!" He giggled as he grabbed the bags without paying, "LIKE, LATER!"

"WAIT! YO-YOU NEED TO PAY!"

"...Nah." He skipped out, dragging Mogi behind him.


End file.
